No More Mr. Nice Guy
Categories: getting to “by me,” relationships
This was a revolutionary book for me.
I first heard about it on the Art of Charm podcast (shoutout to them!) where they interviewed the author, Robert Glover. He talked about a new phenomenon in our culture called the Nice Guy Syndrome. And it really resonated with me.
Here’s how he defines Nice Guys:
“They all believe that if they are “good” and do everything “right,” they will be loved, get their needs met, and have a problem-free life. This attempt to be good typically involves trying to eliminate or hide certain things about themselves (their mistakes, needs, emotions) and become what they believe others want them to be (generous, helpful, peaceful, etc.).”
They’re basically people pleasers. In the extreme.
I know because I was a Nice Guy. I did try to do everything “right” and lead a problem-free life.
Granted, I wasn’t an extreme case, but on some level that was definitely me.
But this book was a real wake-up call for me, as it is with a lot of guys who read it.
You always hear about gurus talking about men improving themselves, which I am all for, and they give you ways to do it. But how do you know how to proceed if you don’t have a starting point from which to proceed? This book explains all of the subconscious traps Nice Guys fall into and the reasons they come up.
He also explains why this paradigm is ineffective for navigating the world, which explains the mediocre results Nice Guys get with friends, work, and especially women.
One of the big reasons he gives is the use of “covert contracts”, which is when the Nice Guy’s subconscious is running this program:
“1) I will do this __ (fill in the blank) for you, so that
2) You will do this __ (fill in the blank) for me.
3) We will both act as if we have no awareness of this contract.”
As one can imagine, this comes most often in the form of being nice in order to get sex when it comes to women. (Btw, the author clearly states that gay men can also be Nice Guys).
The author provides exercises throughout the book to help guys break free from this malicious trap. He also runs recovery groups in multiple cities throughout the States.
The ultimate goal, he says, is to be a man that makes it his job to get his needs met, asks for what he wants, expresses his feelings, faces his fears, has integrity, and isn’t manipulative or faking niceness.
Favorite Quotes: “By trying to please everyone, Nice Guys often end up pleasing no one – including themselves.”
“Nice Guys have believed a myth that promises them that if they give up themselves and put others first, they will be loved and get their needs met. There is only one way to change this illogical, nonproductive Nice Guy paradigm — putting themselves first.”
The Verdict: If anything in this article resonates with you, READ THIS BOOK. It will drastically improve your life.